Therapy with Zephyr
by JauntyJabberwocky
Summary: Just a What if that popped up in my head one day. Has The main Batman rogues, and Batman himself of course. Riddler, Joker, Poison Ivy,Scarecrow, Mad Hatter, TwoFace, Harley Quinn, and of course, Batman.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters except for Zephyr, D.C. does.

Chapter one:

We enter the scene to find The Scarecrow, Poison Ivy and The Mad Hatter terrorizing a local mall. It doesn't take long, of course, before Batman shows up to restore order.

"We all know how this will end, now are you going to come along peacefully for once or am I going to have to do this the same way as always?" Batman asked.

"Why my dear Batman, of course we're going to make this hard for you!" Ivy replied laughing.

The hero and villans stood in a classic face-off, each waiting for the other to make the first move, when something happened that no one expected. A teen dressed in black pants with white and black striped sash, a black and white courset, a black jacket with Jolly Rodger on the back, and another sash tied around her head walked between them. Walking directly up to the Rogues, she pulled out a notepad and pen.

"Can I have your autographs?" she asked, then turning to Batman,

"I'd ask for yours, but you aren't the real deal. Just a man in a costume..."

The rogues had never been met with this kind of reaction from anyone before, and figured there was no harm to humering the girl.

"Miss, do you have any idea how dangerous the situation you're in is?" Batman asked half to himself.

"That's not cool! Saying people are dangerous just because they're dreesed in costumes, especially since you're dressed in a costume yourself!" The girl replied.

"...I'm not saying they're dangerouse because they're dressed in costumes! These are- are you even listening to me?"

"Can you make that out to, 'the coolest kid I know', since I obviously am..." the girl asked.

"Sure..." Poison Ivy responded.

"That's it, I don't have time for this." And Batman proceded to apprehand the criminals.

"Hay! None of that! You must remember you're only a Batman wannabe, not actually Batman, and- oh, that's gotta hurt! If not, that will definately be felt in the morning!" In less than five minutes everything had started to return to normal, and the rogues were on their way back to Arkham.

"Well...that curtaintly didn't turn out as planned...but, at least I didn't expect it to! Now it's on to plan 'bee'!" With that said, the strange girl stuck her arms streight out to the side like when kids pretend to be an airplane and buzzed her way over to a large potted plant right behind a police officer. Carefully, she snagged the oficcer's walky-talky. Then she ran to a completely empty store (known as Limited Too).

Pressing the talk botton, she relayed her message;

"Police force to Arkham asylam, come in Arkham. We have reports of a Batman Wannabe headed your way, and while he did capture some rogues somehow, be warned that suspect is armed and dangerous, he must be apprehended at once. Police force out." Then, noting to herself,

"Police force out? Man, if they actually believe me-"

"Rodger that police force, we are moving to apprehend suspect as you recieve this."

Dropping the walky-talky in shock, it took the girl a whole five mintues to recover.

"...Hm...I really wasn't expecting to get this fare. I guess it's on to plan 'see' then!" And the girl went foward to plan 'see'.

-What is plan 'see'? And who is this strange new character? What exactly is it she has planned for everyone's favorite caped crusador? Find out next time!-


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters except for Zephyr!

Therapy with Zephyr: Chapter 2

Batman opened his eyes to a splitting headache, and wondered why this was.

But what was this? Wait a minute- why didn't he have his bat suit on?

"Oh my God, they wouldn't!" He realized sitting straight up.

The first thing he saw was the Joker in the cell next to him.

"They would…" He realized with a sigh.

This was not good! Now all of the rouges knew his secret identity!

"So, you think you're Batman do you?" The Joker asked him. What? They don't really think he's Batman? That's good, but he'd have to keep up their perception. He'd have to act nothing like Batman…

"No, I am Batman; didn't you see my cool costume?" He answered, making the Joker laugh.

"Please, like the _real _Batman would allow himself to wind up in here with us!" The Joker replied, "As long as we're on the subject, I'm known as the King of Arkham, but you can call me Kingy, Your Majesty, or most sublime being-I think I like the last one best. I'll call you-"

"Dead," Poison Ivey interrupted, "That's what he'll be when I get through with him!"

"OfF WiTh HiS HeAd!" The Mad Hatter agreed. The Scarecrow simply got his point across with a death glare.

"I'll call you Fluffy!" The Joker decided, just as a guard came in to take them all to group therapy…

-IN THE MEAN TIME-

The girl from earlier had arrived at Arkham, wearing a professional looking suit. With a grin she rang the doorbell and slid on a pair of glasses she snagged from a random person in the mall (as in ran by, jumped up, grabbed the glasses, and ran away laughing).

"Plan 'See' begins," The door opens, "Now."

"I certainly hope I'm not late on my first day…" She said to the guard who opened the door.

_Man, if this guy believes me, I mean I'm so obviously a kid-_

"Not at all," the guard responded, "They're already waiting for you, so if you'll just follow me and we're glad to have you."

The girl couldn't believe it, and was in shock for a few seconds before she shook her head and followed.

-SEVERAL MINUTES LATER-

"I can't believe I'm late on my first day here!" the real therapist said to herself as she rang the doorbell to Arkham. A frowning guard answered the door.

"I am so sorry I'm late, but I can assure you the results I bring will more than make up for this." The guard didn't seem impressed.

"Ha ha, very funny kid, now why don't you get out of here before we have to call you parents…"

"Excuse me?! I know I'm short, but," The guard just closed the door!

"I can't believe it! In all my years I've never been treated like this! That's it Arkham, you can just forget about it!" She said storming off.

-BACK IN ARKHAM-

"Hello all, I'll be your new therapist!" The girl said entering the room with two gruff looking guards.

"If you need anything,"

"Or if you have any problems,"

"We'll be right outside the door." They reassured her.

"Thank you, but I doubt that will really be necessary." She answered as they ducked out the door.

'_Why does she sound so familiar? Wait a minute, they wouldn't," _then the girl turned and Batman's theory was confirmed, _'they would…'_

"My name's Zephyr and I'll be your new therapist. I think you'll find my therapy session unlike any other you've had, especially since I'm not really a therapist!" Zephyr introduced.

"You're not a Therapist? I woulda neva guessed!" Harley Quinn responded.

"Nope, but I do still have a lesson for you to learn, so who ever participates gets a free ticket out of here!" Zephyr told them, making Batman cringe at the very thought and all the rouges sit up in anticipation.

"Wait a minute, no what I meant to say is whoever learns the lessons will be released!" Zephyr corrected.

"But you just said,"

"Please Mr. Joker, I think you'll find _my_ lessons are much easier for you to grasp if you haven't learned them already. Trust me, I'm a pirate!" Zephyr responded.

"Then where's your ship?" Two-Face asked skeptically.

"My…ship…" This question threw her off, "I'm…um, in the market, as it were. Alright, so I don't have a ship! I'm kinda scared of the ocean,"

"Makes sense," The Scarecrow interrupted evaluating the 'pirate'.

"…Right, but I'm having one made to sail on the land!" She quickly justified.

"Good luck with that…" Batman said sarcastically.

"Thanks, any one want to join my crew?" She asked. Her answer was every excuse any of them could possibly come up with all at once.

"Fine, be that way, I see how you are. Now, onwards with the lesson!"

-LESSON ONE: COSTUMES-

"Okay, moving right along, this first lesson is all about you personal choice of costumes and- wait a minute! Would you feel more comfortable back in your costumes? Then it's settled, GUARDS!"

(After the rouges plus Batman are back in there respective costumes minus weapons).

"Now then, when I call your name I'd like you to simply tell us all why you chose the costume you did. We'll start with, um, I think, the Scarecrow! So tell us Mr. Scarecrow, why did you pick that costume?"

"I was christened Scarecrow as a child, and because it strikes terror into people's hearts." Scarecrow answered simply.

"Really, it strikes terror into people's hearts? Are you sure about that, because the first thing that comes my mind is that one song- how did it go?" Zephyr asked.

"If I only had a brain," Harley answered.

"Yeah, that's the one!"

"I can assure you, that silly child's movie character is not the first thing that comes into most people's minds when they see me. I- are you listening to me?" The Scarecrow demanded as Harley and Zephyr started humming the tune to the Scarecrow's song from 'The Wizard of Ozz'. They quickly stopped though when they saw the look he was giving them.

"I'll point, you answer!" Zephyr decided suddenly.

Mad Hatter- "I'm a poor man…"

The Joker- "To see the look in the kiddies faces!"

Harley Quinn- "I'm with Mista J!"

Poison Ivey- "I prefer to go 'all natural'."

Two-Face- "To express my duel personality…as it were."

Zephyr- "Very good answer, A+!"

The Riddler- "I like to be fashionable, and this does the trick!"

Batman- "Are you sure about that?"

Riddler- "angrily Can I… hit him?"

Mad Hatter- "Can I hit him too?"

Poison Ivey- "Me too, I want to hit him too!"

(Every one quickly joins in on wanting to hit Batman).

Zephyr- "Are you kidding me? I could loose my license! But, since I don't have one, sure why not! No more than thirty nine lashes though. Don't look at me like that! If you want to be Batman, you have to take the bad with the good!"

And so it was, that the lesson ended with the beating of batman, which didn't actually last too long since Zephyr quickly lost count of how many 'lashes' he'd received. Since Batman was in too much pain for the moment to answer he failed.

-LESSON TWO: REASONS-

"Congratulations on getting this fare, the next lesson is going to be on life's objectives. That's right I want to know why it is you do what you do!" Zephyr declared, "This time I think we'll start with the Batman wannabe!"

Batman pushed himself up off the ground, and found he was compelled to actually answer this question honestly.

"I want; I _need_ to give the people of Gotham the justice they so rightfully disserve…" This answer brought about an awkward silence, as it really did seem like a good explanation for Batman's behavior. The silence surely would have gone on forever, had it not been for the loud SMACK echoing through the room from when Zephyr hit Batman on the head with her notebook.

"Wrong! Everyone knows that the real reason why Batman does what he does is simply to give hell to the people who don't conform to society's idea of how life should be! Jeez, check your role!" She corrected, making the rouges giggle (or snicker) in the background.

"Anyways, two strikes you're out in my ball game, so now you get marooned."

"You can't maroon me; we're not even on a ship." Batman challenged.

"Oh yah? GUARDS!"

"Yeah, whatcha need?" They asked coming in.

"These freaks giving you any trouble," they inquired farther with a greedy look in there eyes.

"No, just that one," she answered pointing at Batman, "So put him in solitary for a good few weeks and don't be afraid to use excessive force!" Zephyr instructed.

Once Batman was gone she returned her attention to the rouges.

"Now I'd greatly like to hurry this along, so again, answer when I point to you! Oh, and I'm going to be a lot stricter with the answers to this question, just so you know."

Mad Hatter- "The queen commands it!"

Zephyr- "Wrong answer, next!"

Two-Face- "I let Chance decide with a flip of the coin…"

Zephyr- "Nope, sorry, next!"

Riddler- "Riddle me this,"

Zephyr- "I don't think so, next!"

Poison Ivey- "For the glory of Mother Nature, I must,"

Zephyr- "You must stop there, because you're wrong too."

Joker- "To put a smile on everyone's faces!"

Harley Quinn- "You said it Mista J!"

Zephyr- (growing irritated) "No, no, and no! My God, it's so simple, how can all of you be missing it? Sigh, go ahead Mr. Scarecrow, lets just get this lesson over with. Why do you do what you do?"

Scarecrow- "I do what I do because it's fun."

Silence followed the answer. Slowly, Zephyr lifted her head from her hands, a look of disbelief on her face.

"That is…Correct! Yes, finally one of you gets it!" She exclaimed happily jumping from her chair and giving the Scarecrow a hug.

"See? That's what it's all about! It's fun! Why else do people do anything really other than what's necessary if not because it's fun! Thank you Mr. Scarecrow, for being the only one to pass this lesson, I give you the position of Boswang on my crew. You get to spray the crew with fear gas whenever they get off task!" She informed picturing a full, able bodied crew about her luxurious ship the 'H.M.S. Post'.

"I'm not joining you crew…" The Scarecrow reminded. Her Daydream shattered to pieces and then fell to hit her in the head.

"Sigh Fine, on to the last lesson then…"

-LESSON THREE: RIGHT AND WRONG-

"Okay, last lesson and then we can get out of here! This lesson is on right and wrong!" Zephyr said pulling out two large sheets of paper, taping them to the wall, and then writing 'RIGHT' in blue marker on one and 'WRONG' in purple marker on the other.

(Where she got any of these supplies is beyond me).

"Now then,"

"I like that color," The Joker interrupted absent mindedly, staring at the purple. After a moment of Zephyr staring at the clown in silence, she then got out a black marker and crossed out the purple word, re-writing it in black.

"Now then, written on these sheets of paper are modern society's ideas of what's right and wrong. Please raise your hand if you see anything that's on the wrong side." Immediately all the rouge's hands flew into the air, making Zephyr smile.

"I think this lesson should go much better than the last one. Mr. Riddler, we'll start with you, please list one thing on the wrong side."

"Stealing isn't wrong!" He answered.

"Very good, Mr. Riddler, that is correct." Zephyr smiled as she moved the word to the right sheet.

"How about you, Poison Ivey, do you see anything on the wrong side?"

"Killing, it's not wrong to kill." She answered.

"Correction, it's not wrong to kill someone who's wronged you enough to deserve said punishment; especially if you take into consideration the philosophy of two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts certainly do, so technically three wrong make a right, Savvy?" Zephyr corrected. It took a while for the rouges to grasp all of what she said though, and even then only the smarter rouges got it (leaving the Joker and Harley Quinn behind).

"You know what, this is boring!" Zephyr realized tearing down the sheets,

"I don't know about you, but I need some rum, so let's wrap this up!"

"How old are you?" Two-Face asked.

"Sixteen, why? Oh, the whole 'no drinking if you're under age' thing. Pft, it's not like I'm going to grow any more anyways!"

"Where are your parents?" Poison Ivey then asked, growing somewhat concerned.

"Me parents," Zephyr answered becoming downcast, "Me parents were lost at sea, they've danced the 'Hempen Jig', lived a good life, and currently reside in Dave Jones' Locker…"

"You don't know, do you?" The Scarecrow evaluated, ruining the drama to Zephyr's speech.

"Nope, but that's not what's important here," She answered perking up,

"Last question before we leave, make it quick and tell me; (adopts a motherly tone) what have we learned today?"

Harley Quinn- "A great response for the next time someone tells me two wrongs don't make a right!"

Joker- "Two wrongs don't make a right, Harley girl…"

Harley Quinn- "No, but three…three…what she said earlier!"

Scarecrow- "I learned about a new kind of insanity…"

Joker- "I learned the word Poopdeck!"

Zephyr- "But I never said that word…"

Joker- "You didn't? Well then stick it up your Poopdeck!" (Goes off on that laugh thing he does).

Mad Hatter- "WhY iS a RaVeN LiKe a WrItInG dEsK?"

Two-Face- "I learned how you can maroon someone without being on a ship."

Riddler- "I learned just how much someone can achieve without actually trying to achieve anything.

"You are all…Wrong! We learned that you should know exactly who you are, be proud of who you are and therefore be the best you that you can be, and you should never let other people tell you otherwise!" Zephyr clarified.

"Why didn't you just tell us that to start with?" The Riddler asked.

"Because then we wouldn't have been able to have all this fun! Congratulations, I now release you all deemed 'perfectly sane!' Go out and make me proud by doing what you all do best!"

And so it was that Zephyr stood outside of Arkham- back in full pirate garb- waving an enthusiastic good by as the Gotham rouges disappeared from sight.

"I think we did a lot of good today!" She said giving herself a hug.

"And I think you're going to have a lot of explaining to do…"

Zephyr swung around to find herself staring up at none other than the caped crusader Batman.

"Hey, didn't I maroon you?" She asked suspiciously.

"How did a mere child manage to do all this?" He asked himself out loud.

"I was wondering the same thing. I kept on waiting for someone to go, 'Wait a minute, this is just a kid,' but you're the only one who did."

"You mean you didn't actually mean to do any of this?" Batman asked in disbelief.

"Nope, none of it," Zephyr smiled brightly.

"Still, you just released all the rouges on Gotham again, and you're going to need to answer for the damage I know they'll cause."

"Totally understandable, I figured as much. Before I go though, do you think I can do one last thing? It's nothing bad I swear!" Reluctantly, Batman nodded his head.

"Make it quick…"

"It'll only take a second," she said taking a calculated five steps back and then blowing a silent whistle tied around her neck.

"Okay, I'm ready to go!" She smiled. Batman took a step forward just as a rope wrapped around Zephyr and pulled her up onto…the deck of a ship somehow sailing on the road!

"You mean she was telling the truth? She really was a pirate?" Batman asked surprised.

"Don't worry Mr. Batman, I'll be back someday! It's been fun and remember, Never Trust a Pirate!" She called back as she sailed into the distance to her next big adventure.

-END-

((Authors note: So, what do you think? Do you like it? Well I don't care if you do or not on this one, because I had fun writing it! Don't worry, all my stories won't be this ridiculous, just the ones with Zephyr. Now REVIEW! If you didn't get it, that's just because you don't understand the genius to my insanity, but that can be fixed! Just read this story over and over and over again until it makes sense, and review each time you read it again so I can check up on your progress! If you do get it in time, I'll e-mail you a cookie.

So until next time, Auf Wiedersehen!


End file.
